PANDAS & Lyme: My Recovery and 8 Years of Misdiagnoses

De(pressed)ad Again…

I don’t even know where to start since I last wrote.  I seriously think I’m going crazy.

The other night, I got in a really bad way.  During the day, I would just sit down and stare into space, because that was all I could do. I had no concentration whatsoever. Whenever I tried to do homework, I found myself just staring, thinking about nothing. I tried to make myself focus, but then I’d just start staring again before I realized I was doing it.

I’ve lived through depression before, but this was a whole other level. I would choose to be stuck with Narcolepsy or maybe even OCD any day if it meant not being stuck like this. Depression is one of the worst diseases, because by nature, it cripples your will and can make you not want to live or fight or do anything.

But that’s the problem. Underneath it all, I do want to do things. I do want to get better. I do want to live. But I can’t right now, because this illness has stolen myself from me. The best way to describe how I feel is “dead.”  But somewhere, somehow, I believe I’m still alive, and I believe that the me I knew last week, and even the me I was eight years ago, is still here. I’m only sleeping….

Depression is a horrible condition, and I wish people would stop looking down on those of us who deal with it. I’m sick of hearing people tell me to just be positive or to “get out more.”  I’m trying, I’m really trying.  Believe me, if I could break out of this, I would.  So I’ll just have to keep trying and keep moving forward one impossible day at a time.

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Comments on: "De(pressed)ad Again…" (2)

  1. […] exacerbations I’ve had in the last ten years, I’ve not only dealt with crippling OCD, anxiety, depression, cognitive problems, and movement disorders, but I’ve lost my very self; I’ve felt and acted […]

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  2. […] week, I had my worst flare since everything really went downhill in June. I’m happy to say that the flare is gone now (thanks to more Prednisone and maybe the IVIG), but […]

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